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Monday, May 3, 2010

Staying the Course: Choosing between career and cash now.

Dear Abby,
I'm extremely frustrated. Continuing my career advancement means giving up my car and living with practically nothing, or I could take a part-time unrelated job to pay the bills, but stifle my career growth. For who knows how long.
I can't do this.
I can't face the fear of losing myself in another thankless dead-end job that barely pays the bills and doesn't help me in the long run, just because I need something now.
If I lived in a bigger city this wouldn't be a problem.

Actually, this Career Vs Job dilemma is a large part of why I can't keep a regular job for longer than a year or so, and another reason why I feel so endlessly frustrated and overwhelmed. It's definitely counterproductive to managing my depression.

The sort of overwhelming guilt I have with my depression means I feel crazy unbalanced over the slightest thing... which makes wage slave jobs extremely difficult for me. I've only ever felt truly suicidal twice in my life, and a majority of what made me feel so wrapped up in the guilt and inadequacy was the wage slave job I had the second time. The first was due to a really messed up relationship with someone I loved who rekindled a lot of my rape trauma. I left because it felt the same as a wage slave job and I finally realized it was okay to want to be happy. What the hell was I doing cleaning houses, anyway?

I have a great work ethic. I'm more than just skilled in plenty of areas that would be useful for many positions related to my career. I'm not into drugs, I have a squeaky clean record. Professionally, I'm reliable, motivated, and I want more out of my work than just pay.

So why the fuck do I have to choose between surviving and making a living?

And why do I have to put my mental health at risk?

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