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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Rude Awakenings

This morning was a rather rude awakening for me. Lately, my live-in boyfriend's alarm wakes me up at 6 and I spend the next hour and a half trying to convince him to get up because I'm the only one stressing out about it. Typically, I'm so tired afterwards that I fall back asleep for another 4 hours (I haven't been sleeping very well lately).

Well, my mother has obsessive go-get-em tendencies that at times leans heavily towards being Meritocratic. This is endlessly frustrating on my bad days, because her shaming me over my depressive habits feed back into the cycle. I told someone the other day, Depression doesn't make me act a certain way, it just takes away most of my choices and tells me that collapsing into myself is the most meaningful option.

Without getting much more off-track, this morning my mother decided to noisily clean the storeroom I've been neglecting. The store room is of course next to my bedroom, therefore it is utterly necessary for her to get after me for being in bed at 9:30 in the morning on her way up, and then again about something else on her way down.
I always feel that arguing with my mother is pointless and bad for one's health, but she is utterly amazing at driving me up the wall. I realize I probably shouldn't have argued, and will probably hug her and apologize when she gets back from the dog park with Lucy.
In any case, my rude awakening this morning was that I'm not fooling anyone, not even myself. I have to get these things done because I want to get them done (and I have). Finding my impetus is an endlessly frustrating struggle, but I guess I have to find one thing that makes me mad to get out of bed every day (yesterday I didn't).
Here are my goals for today: finish laundry and de-skankify my living quarters, put in an application at the print shop down the street, sit and write for at least 2 hours no matter who I have to kill to get it done.

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