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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Mother Superior

Someone at work today called me Sister Sara because I feel uncomfortable anytime sex is brought up in a conversation.

I've been thinking about my behaviors a lot lately, and I think it's something most of my friends don't realize.
My "nunlike" behavior is actually an avoidant behavior and a symptom of whatever my condition is. I literally cannot stop the behavior, although I can rationalize it.

This is why I have such a hard time even with the concept of sex with the various RPGs and fictional characters I've portrayed. In a sense, my RPGs are theraputic, although that is not the only reason I enjoy them. My fictional characters help me express and explore concepts and ideas without risking my sense of self. It has enabled me to become much more outspoken and bold when dealing with people, but it cannot fix my problems.

My avoidance behaviors are many. Sometimes, I cannot stand being touched. I have reacted with violence on being snuck up on. Other times, I jump or have had panic attacks. Sometimes, I cannot hold the hand of someone I care about and want to be affectionate with. Sometimes kissing feels like I'm being suffocated. I literally feel claustrophobic occasionally and cannot breathe. Sometimes, I feel like when I'm making out or having sex (even if I want to), I black out. Like, I can remember what happens and can react, but I am not present.

This gives me huge problems in my daily life and especially with my more intimate (emotional proximity) relationships.

When the topic comes up, I engage in avoidant behaviors because something reminds me of the trauma. Psychologically, I'm uncertain of what really works for me and what is a part of my fractured psyche trying to figure things out.

I know that it all feels very very personal. Even people that I have had irresponsible "relationships" with (or been with when I psychologically had no business doing) have left this imprint on the deeper trauma. This doesn't mean those lighter indiscretions are less painful, and it certainly is not my fault that other people have taken advantage of my bad situation for personal gain. However, this gradual eating away of my psyche has also eroded my capability of trust.

In those "nunlike" moments, I am at my most guarded for good reason. I don't want you to see how bad it is, because even in moments of clarity like these, I don't even know how deep the rabbit hole goes.

I do know that I feel cursed, like something has been done to mark me out. I don't know, but it sucks that I feel I've given so much to my abusers and to people who cared but weren't able to deal with it (I certainly don't blame the latter), and have such awful things to show for it. I feel this overwhelming need to fill these gaping holes I have.

I also know that one day, my psyche will be immense. So that idea makes me a bit calmer in hysterical moments.

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