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Monday, September 13, 2010

This post over at the Yes Means Yes blog inspired me to think about what I want right now.
Well, I'm not really sure.
While I am not a slut, I don't judge people who are.
I don't think I'm in the right place right now to have what the blog post describes as an "organic casual relationship". I'm not sure if I can handle casual. I can empathize with the author when she describes having to learn certain things to be stronger. I have holes to patch, and I'm the only one who can stitch them up. I need to learn how to accept existing in pieces. For now.
I need to accept that wanting help is a sign of strength, bravery. Surviving what I have without being addicted to drugs, alcohol, or being worse off is a sign of strength. I'm not as weak as my abusers are because they are restricted to stagnancy. They will never change because they live in a permanent state of denial where they believe that abuse and rape are minor transgressions, worth less between two people than property damage (and indeed it's no wonder considering the prison time for rape is in most cases less severe than for cruelty to animals).
I need to learn how to calm my desperation, how to fill my need for affection and proximity without risking too much of myself. I cannot have the sluthood mentality because I do not want someone who only wants me for sex, even if that's all I want. The kind of person likely to be that way is less likely to view me as a person, and that is the biggest turnoff I can possibly think of. Even for people that I hate, I still feel enough to feel sorry for the bastards.
Yes, I am that way. No, I can't help it. It is far too indoctrinated in me to feel differently.
Right now, I feel like I can't connect to a lot of people... they seem acidic.
I don't know... I had a strong sense of conviction when I began this rant, but now it's 3AM and I'm very weary.
I just need answers, I guess. I need to let myself exist in pieces.

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